Year One of Motherhood: I'd Go On Picking You.

I always remember people saying, "the first year of marriage is the hardest."

I never understood that. 

Marriage came very naturally to Marcus and I. It was just like one day we got to have a really fun sleep over after wanting to have a really fun sleep over for a long time and then we spent the next year living with our best friend and it was just kind of awesome. 

Was it perfect? Did we ever get annoyed or disappointing in each other, I'm sure we did, but overall, I did not share the "first year is the hardest" sentiment. The following 4 years were similar to the first. Yes, some of the newlywed novelty had worn off and there were more annoyance and disappointments, but still I did not find marriage to be something I'd tack in the difficult category. 

Then we had a baby.

Wow.

The first few weeks were physically..."challenging" just really doesn't encompass it, they were excruciating. My body was traumatized by delivery and I was so exhausted from sleep deprivation, I didn't know how I would ever function again. Marcus was wonderful and seeing him care for me and for our new sweet baby boy was overwhelming. I don't think I've ever felt more loved or loved him more. But time went on and I began to heal and could take care of myself again. He was back at work and while physically things were getting somewhat easier, emotionally they were not so fun. 

I felt a little crazy because I was obsessed with my baby and I was so proud that my body was functioning so well to produce tons of healthy milk that Simon loved, but I was nursing around 20 times a day. Basically all day and all night I had a baby connected to me and I was losing my mind. I accomplished nothing. I was rarely getting ready, we almost never ate at home, I never worked out, I think we went on 2 or mayyyybe 3 dates without Simon in 12 months. Even though Marcus tried to be helpful, I wanted and needed him to do more. I didn't know how he could do more, but I needed him to figure it out, the problem was Simon relied on me for food, comfort, and sleep. He could do none of those things without me. (He was exclusively BF for around 9 months, he didn't take a paci and he hated to be put down, no bouncy or swing we tried worked, we co-slept until he could crawl and he'd only sleep attached to me. Once we moved him to a crib, he still would only nurse to sleep...) And so deep down the emotional side of me felt mad that I didn't have any time to myself. I was mad at Marcus for not sharing equal responsibility. I was mad at my mom for not being one of those really involved grandmas. I was even mad at Simon sometimes for being a high-needs baby. All the while, the logical side of me knew that the way I wanted to raise Simon for his first year, didn't really allow any of those people to do anything much differently.

So, while I'm sure you're hoping I am going tell you all the things YOU can do differently to not experience what I did or what I'll do differently next time around, here's the conclusion I will give you instead. Motherhood is hard. The first year is hard. And...

It all passes.

Your baby turns one. 

They start sleeping through the night or close to it.

They start sleeping in their own bed instead of yours (Simon around 8 months).

They stop needed to nurse so frequently.

They start being able to play in the shower while you take a quick one most days.

They start being able to sit and play with blocks or look through board books while you quickly swipe on some makeup (at least a couple times a week to remind yourself that you can still look pretty if you really want to.)

Serious Cold and Flu season ends and you get brave enough to bring them to the gym kids care so you can be alone for an hour and take a fun work out class--and it feels amazing.

They learn to walk and interact with other kids and so you can sit outside and neighborhood friends will come by and entertain them for a few minutes so you don't have to, and it feels good, even if it's just for 3 minutes. 

They still may not say a word, but they learn to point and make noises that mean something and it's really fun.

They've been cute the whole time, but somehow they get even cuter.

They'll still drive you crazy. Sometimes you'll still feel mad. Sometimes you'll still want more alone time than you get. Sometimes your husband still won't be as helpful as you wish and sometimes you'll still be a little too much of a control freak. But you find ways to connect again, and getting more sleep allows you to reason a little better and be grateful that in that whole year they didn't complain about the fact that you ate out almost every night or that you didn't get ready as often as you once did, and turns out you still really like the person you married.

Motherhood is still hard. It is so hard.

But life gets better. And right when it gets better, something will come up and it will get hard again, but this time you'll have had a little stretch of better and you can do this.

That's the biggest conclusion I've come to after a year of parenting.

You can do this.

And it keeps getting better.

Simon's Shirt here

• photos by KNW Photography

free write friday//confession

{what i wore}

emerald green dress//c.o. persunmall (buy here)

drop necklace//caroline hill (buy here) check my facebook page later for an exclusive 20% off coupon good for anything in the collection!

cat eye sunnies//c.o. oasap (buy here)

globe watch//urban outfitters (buy similar here)

gold bangles//pb&j boutique (buy here)

green opaque tights//welovecolors (buy here)

ankle booties//target (buy here)

confession: i secretly want to be an actress.

i took various type of theatre classes all through college, but after one very awkward, freak out, audition, i chickened out of ever trying out for anything again.
(it was bad, like Tom Haverford faking an Australian accent on the last Parks and Rec, bad...)
i wish i were braver. 
everyone i've ever heard talk about it, says it gets easier with every try, but i have serious fear of failure, so i miss out on the chance of success.
sometimes i have a hard time being where i am now. i look at those i admire and think to myself, if i'm not that good (at photography, at design, and art, at acting...), i might as well not try--there are obviously too many people more talented than me.
when in reality, when i think about it, i know there are tons of people around me, who might not even be as 'good' as me, but since they're doing something about it, they will soon enough, be better for it.

i've had this conversation inside my head dozen of times, and even with marcus a few more, and yet here i sit, still afraid failing. still afraid of trying.

what's something you wish you would do, but haven't yet?
what helps you be braver?

free write//ruffle my feathers.

i was thinking today, about growing--not physically, but emotionally. i was trying to pinpoint the phases in my life that i have grown the most and what caused the growth. i realized, not surprisingly, that it was times of struggle. it was when my heart was broken, it was when people were making hard choices that were outside of my control and yet still had an impact on me, it was when i was in a new and hard place without the people i was used to leaning on, and while all of those times were a struggle, some uncomfortable, some down right anguishing they were also the times i look back at and feel a sense of pride, because i became a little bit more of who i am--and while i still have a lot more to learn, improve, and change about myself, those stuggles helped me. 

i've been feeling dull lately, as i mentioned before, and i think it's because life is so easy.

i feel ungrateful for saying such a thing, but it's the truth. 

we have enough for everything we need. we live in the place we grew up in, so it's safe, and known, and...unexciting. we're surrounded with family, so we have no incentive to go outside ourselves and help or rely on others. and while i know that's mostly our own fault--we can grow and develop and serve in all places and situations, i'm/we're generally the kind of people that need a little push.

and so here i am, tucked safely in the forest,  and like a crazy person, asking to be put out on the cliff.

i need a challenge--

i'd prefer it to be nothing too extreme, but then again, i've been there and done that, and i've survived, so i know i can again. i guess i'll take whatever i need to become better.

i'm sure i sound crazy for writing such an idea, but maybe i'm not the only one who feels this way.

and even if i am--i am me, and these are my feelings.

a free-write on putting things off.

I'm sitting in a long line at Mesa Community College for the second time this week. I've been here for about an hour, earlier this week I spent two hours here before Marcus called for a ride and I had to give up my place in line.
It was last Spring that I decided I wanted to sign up for at least one class this Fall, but naturally I waited 'til the week before school started to get my butt down here, and appearently, by the current wait time, the rest of the Mesa student population had the same plan.
Just a moment ago I logged onto the college website to confirm the course number of the class I am here to sign up for, and it appears that the class is full...and closed.
I'm stuck here for at least another hour because Marcus has the car and is busy across town.

My first thought was, "This is so lame, why can't they have more than 30 people in class, they should just let me in...blah, blah, blah, complain, blah, blah." But as I sit here, I realize this is my fault--school starts in 3 days. I'm the lame one for waiting this long to come down here, when I know my life is not really that busy--but maybe that's exactly the problem, I also have "plenty of time". I've noticed myself saying or thinking, "Well, I'll just do that tomorrow, I don't really have anything going on..." and then I fill my day with things that are not the things I needed to get done yesterday, and so the things that I should have gotten done yesterday get pushed out to undefined tomorrows. And I end up sitting in libraries full of fellow procrastators, no longer with a reason to be there, and I have a realization that maybe my mom had a point all those years ago--that maybe, just maybe, I need to stop "putting off for tomorrow what i could get done today."