Birth Story: Simon Atlas

After my OB basically guaranteeing that I'd go into labor before Christmas (based on my dilation+effacement+baby size), you can imagine how ready I was when it was almost a week post Christmas and I was still very much pregnant (I know, I shouldn't have believed her, but I did!). After my 38 week ultrasound (only the 3rd I'd ever had) they adjusted my due date from Jan. 3rd to Dec 31st. Not only was that exciting because that was 4 less days that I might not be pregnant but it would also be nice for the taxes ;).

I had an OB appointment on the 30th with Wendy a Nurse Practitioner I had never met (but really liked). She checked me and was going to strip my membranes, but there was nothing to strip. She said he was so low, I was 100% effaced, dilated to a 4 and was watching me have somewhat regular contractions right there on the table, so she thought I should go to the hospital right away.

I smiled and nodded and got myself dressed.  I didn't feel like I was anywhere near having the baby, so I had no intention of checking myself into the hospital just yet. I knew the longer you're at the hospital, the quicker (and potentially more) interventions they would try and introduce and I was aiming to go for as long as possible without interventions. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to go natural this time around, but I wanted to know how bad it got so that if I ever did want to try natural I would have some idea of what I was signing up for.

As we walked out to the car, Marcus started saying how we needed to run home and get the bag and get Poppy squared away, and then I told him that I wasn't going to the hospital. He wasn't so excited about that idea. I reminded him that I had written out a birth plan and he had agreed to support me on it and that one of the points was that I was going to labor out of the hospital for as long as I could. On the car ride home, I had to actually call and cancel the prenatal massage I had scheduled, in hopes that it would put me into labor, because I already WAS in labor!

We went back to my mom's house where my two sisters were and told them that it looked like I was in real labor and would probably have the baby pretty soon! It was exciting, but also I felt very calm. "Too calm," as Marcus would put it.

He was going crazy all day. He couldn't understand why I wasn't freaking out and why I wasn't listening to the NP's advice and going to the hospital. I told him that if this is what labor felt like, then I was just fine with having him right there in my mom's bathtub, but that what I really thought was that it must get a lot worse than this, and when it does, then I will know it's time to go!

My sisters were headed out to do some shopping at Tempe Marketplace and since I wanted to do some walking to hopefully get things going, I decided to come along. Marcus, of course joined too.

The sisters shopped, but Marcus and I just kept walking and walking. I was feeling the contractions much more and didn't feel like browsing and sharing pleasant conversations--haha. He kept asking me, "Can we go now?" "How about now?" Eventually he stopped asking, but his quiet frustration was almost worse. By that evening, the contractions seemed to spread out, which was really discouraging, but I thought, at least I'll be able to get a good nights rest...

At 3AM I woke up with STRONG contractions. I got ready while Marcus slept, because I couldn't sleep and I wanted to make sure they were real and timeable. I couldn't believe how calm I felt as I floated around the house getting things in order. It was like time was going slow and fast all at once and that I was really just watching myself from outside my body. It's hard to explain, but Marcus stayed asleep until I was ready and sure this was the real deal. I whispered that it was time for him to get ready and then we could go. He woke up in total shock--first because it was really happening and second because he couldn't believe he slept through all of it. I tried texting my sister Heidi who flew in from Utah to be with us in the room for delivery as support, but she wasn't responding, so when we took Poppy over to my mom's, I snuck down into the basement and whispered that we were heading over and that we'd text her once we got closer.

Of course, she couldn't sleep after that and ended up at the hospital not long after us.

When we got to the hospital, the contractions were much more uncomfortable. It took a little while to get checked in. They had me in a little side room to monitor and decide if they'd admit me. When they checked me, I was just a little above a 4 and they said I could go home if I wanted. I was so discouraged and shocked! Why would they send me home!? When the nurse saw my shock, she said she'd go ask the doctor. Then she came back and said I could stay, but would be put in a room they usually just use for storage because they were full. I told them I didn't mind a bit, but that I didn't want to go to my room yet, I wanted to keep walking. They said that was fine. Just then, my sister, Heidi showed up. She snapped a few pictures of us walking the hallways and then settled in our room and waited for us to come there.

After walking for sometime, I decided to go on with my plan to labor in the laboring tub they have at Banner Gateway. The nurse filled the tub and I got in my swimsuit. The room was quiet and dim, but the water was just luke-warm--not exactly the jacuzzi spa I was hoping for, but it still felt nice to be away from the medical room and with two people I loved in a calming space. At first I laid there, focusing on my breathing, but after about 45 minutes the water was cold, I was in serious pain and I couldn't tell if my uncontrollable shaking was from my dropping body temps or my nervousness, so I decided to get out and dry off.

To the room to robe-up, use the bathroom and get settled in my very large storage/delivery room. I met some of the nurses, gave them copies of my birth plan and settled in to get checked. At this point I was between a 7 and an 8. Things were getting pretty terrible, but I wanted to wait a little longer. I had grown up with absolutely terrible menstrual pains (read here), some GYNs speculate that I have endometriosis, and my entire pregnancy I was wondering if labor would be anything like that pain.

Well, it was--pretty much exactly like that, which was partly terrible, because it's probably the worst pain I've ever experience, but it was partly comforting, because it was something I had experienced, and survived. Although, usually with the generous help of my best girl, Midol!

(I should clarify that the contractions felt like terrible period cramps, the extreme pressure in your nether regions, were much more stressful and unfamiliar...)

I had told Marcus that I would go without the epidural as long as I wasn't passing out or throwing up (two things that happen to me during my worst periods). I didn't want that to be my memory of delivering my baby. After an hour or so, the nurse checked me and I was at a 9. They kept asking me if I was ready for the epidural (even though my birth plan mentioned several times, that I would ask if I needed it, and I didn't want to be offered, but what can you do?).

A few minutes after being checked I started shaking bad and throwing up and that's when I knew it was time. My anesthesiologist, Buck, was right out in the hall, ready and waiting. He works with Marcus regularly and Marcus was glad I got him because he knows he's good. I leaned over, trying not to shake too bad. He said I was super easy and it was done in a jiffy. Before getting it, I told him to do the lowest possible dose and he agreed. Within 5 minutes of getting it, I was professing my love for him. And within 10 minutes I was fast asleep. I think I slept for around an hour. I could still feel my contractions when i woke up and the nurse kept asking if I wanted to up my dose and I kept telling her I liked that I could feel them--the edge was taken way off, but I still knew what was going on. I could also feel when I flexed my stomach muscles and could move my feet and legs. I was so happy and wouldn't let the nurse come near the button that upped my dose--it was like she didn't believe me that I wanted to feel something!

Another nurse came in and checked me and told me it was time to start "practice pushing" they broke my water and I did my first practice push. One or two of those and the doc on call was there telling me it was for reals now. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed and everyone kept telling me how awesome I was pushing and I knew I was doing awesome because I could feel all the muscles I was engaging, but where the heck was my baby!? The contractions were right on top of each other, I had literally no time to take a breath between pushes and I thought the veins on my head were truly going to burst (and so did Marcus). Again and again and again, they kept telling me to keep going, keep pushing. I was so so tired, but I refused to show it because I was so scared the doc was going to say I was too tired and would have to go in for a C-Section. That was my worst nightmare, that and an episiotomy...

After about 45 minutes of hard back to back pushing, the doc said I was doing everything right, but the baby wasn't coming down. I was too tiny and he was wedged behind a muscle that wasn't budging. She said she needed to do an episiotomy. She then proceeded to tell us how dumb we were for thinking a tear would heal better than a cut. I had done a lot of research on the subject and except in the rare case you're going to tear all the way up, then a natural tear always heals better than a clean cut. I was so mad at how she was belittling us. I told her we'd keep trying, but eventually she said she needed to do it and I was too tired to fight it and she promised that as soon as she did, he'd pop right out! I begrudgingly consented, hanging on the promise of him popping right out... He did not. I kept pushing and he was still stuck. Then I tore and tore some more and finally she said the hair was out. It was a lot of hair and it was dark. Then I felt the pressure of him coming the rest of the way and then he was on my chest and it was glorious.

He was swollen and pink and healthy and fat and he was adorable. I proudly proclaimed, "We did it, we beat the odds, we had a cute newborn!" And everyone laughed and agreed. Marcus cut the cord once it stopped pulsing and we cried and cried as we looked at our wide awake, super aware little baby boy...Simon.

After they weighed him (7 lbs 12.5 oz) and got his foot prints, we tried nursing and he took right to it. I was so tired and so happy. He was the sweetest little person and I COULD NOT BELIEVE it was all real. Besides the fact that I pretty much hated the on-call doctor and swore if I ever ran into her on the street, I'd punch her in the face. I absolutely loved my labor and delivery. I've never felt so loved and adored by Marcus and I've never felt so strong and triumphant and I've never loved anything so much in all my life. It was truly glorious. I look forward to nothing about pregnancy. I can candidly say that I hated everything about it other than watching him move inside me. But I look forward to everything about labor and delivery. It was so hard and so tiring and so exhausting and so painful, but it was so empowering and I loved it so much.

Recovery was a whole other story that I will share some other time. But all I can say, is that it's worth it.

Pinky, pinky promise.

Year One of Motherhood: I'd Go On Picking You.

I always remember people saying, "the first year of marriage is the hardest."

I never understood that. 

Marriage came very naturally to Marcus and I. It was just like one day we got to have a really fun sleep over after wanting to have a really fun sleep over for a long time and then we spent the next year living with our best friend and it was just kind of awesome. 

Was it perfect? Did we ever get annoyed or disappointing in each other, I'm sure we did, but overall, I did not share the "first year is the hardest" sentiment. The following 4 years were similar to the first. Yes, some of the newlywed novelty had worn off and there were more annoyance and disappointments, but still I did not find marriage to be something I'd tack in the difficult category. 

Then we had a baby.

Wow.

The first few weeks were physically..."challenging" just really doesn't encompass it, they were excruciating. My body was traumatized by delivery and I was so exhausted from sleep deprivation, I didn't know how I would ever function again. Marcus was wonderful and seeing him care for me and for our new sweet baby boy was overwhelming. I don't think I've ever felt more loved or loved him more. But time went on and I began to heal and could take care of myself again. He was back at work and while physically things were getting somewhat easier, emotionally they were not so fun. 

I felt a little crazy because I was obsessed with my baby and I was so proud that my body was functioning so well to produce tons of healthy milk that Simon loved, but I was nursing around 20 times a day. Basically all day and all night I had a baby connected to me and I was losing my mind. I accomplished nothing. I was rarely getting ready, we almost never ate at home, I never worked out, I think we went on 2 or mayyyybe 3 dates without Simon in 12 months. Even though Marcus tried to be helpful, I wanted and needed him to do more. I didn't know how he could do more, but I needed him to figure it out, the problem was Simon relied on me for food, comfort, and sleep. He could do none of those things without me. (He was exclusively BF for around 9 months, he didn't take a paci and he hated to be put down, no bouncy or swing we tried worked, we co-slept until he could crawl and he'd only sleep attached to me. Once we moved him to a crib, he still would only nurse to sleep...) And so deep down the emotional side of me felt mad that I didn't have any time to myself. I was mad at Marcus for not sharing equal responsibility. I was mad at my mom for not being one of those really involved grandmas. I was even mad at Simon sometimes for being a high-needs baby. All the while, the logical side of me knew that the way I wanted to raise Simon for his first year, didn't really allow any of those people to do anything much differently.

So, while I'm sure you're hoping I am going tell you all the things YOU can do differently to not experience what I did or what I'll do differently next time around, here's the conclusion I will give you instead. Motherhood is hard. The first year is hard. And...

It all passes.

Your baby turns one. 

They start sleeping through the night or close to it.

They start sleeping in their own bed instead of yours (Simon around 8 months).

They stop needed to nurse so frequently.

They start being able to play in the shower while you take a quick one most days.

They start being able to sit and play with blocks or look through board books while you quickly swipe on some makeup (at least a couple times a week to remind yourself that you can still look pretty if you really want to.)

Serious Cold and Flu season ends and you get brave enough to bring them to the gym kids care so you can be alone for an hour and take a fun work out class--and it feels amazing.

They learn to walk and interact with other kids and so you can sit outside and neighborhood friends will come by and entertain them for a few minutes so you don't have to, and it feels good, even if it's just for 3 minutes. 

They still may not say a word, but they learn to point and make noises that mean something and it's really fun.

They've been cute the whole time, but somehow they get even cuter.

They'll still drive you crazy. Sometimes you'll still feel mad. Sometimes you'll still want more alone time than you get. Sometimes your husband still won't be as helpful as you wish and sometimes you'll still be a little too much of a control freak. But you find ways to connect again, and getting more sleep allows you to reason a little better and be grateful that in that whole year they didn't complain about the fact that you ate out almost every night or that you didn't get ready as often as you once did, and turns out you still really like the person you married.

Motherhood is still hard. It is so hard.

But life gets better. And right when it gets better, something will come up and it will get hard again, but this time you'll have had a little stretch of better and you can do this.

That's the biggest conclusion I've come to after a year of parenting.

You can do this.

And it keeps getting better.

Simon's Shirt here

• photos by KNW Photography

Goodnight Moon! {Our 0-4 Month Bedtime Routine}

Bedtimes around here are second only to mornings on my list of favorite times with my Simon boy. Simon is always so excited to have Marcus home from work, and Marcus is always ready to play with Simon and get all his giggles out, essentially wearing him out and getting him ready to hit the hay!

It's amazing how satisfying it is to look over and see your handsome husband pull out all the silly stops in order to get your sweet baby to squeal and squawk and giggle his little heart out. Nobody can make Simon laugh like his dad can. Seeing Marcus look like the biggest fool, which somehow also makes him look like the most attractive man in the world is fatherhood in a nutshell, I guess :)

(and just as a little bit of encouragement for new moms, those first few months are so sweet, but also so so hard, but when your baby starts to laugh, oh-my-gosh--it's like fairies are bursting out of their mouths and your heart is popcorn producing rainbows and the rainbows start pouring out rain and turn you into a puddle on the floor, and the puddle seeps out into the lawn and the lawn springs forth daffodils--at least that's the general idea and feeling...)

Anyways, as a new mom, I signed up for several email newsletters updating me on milestones, and tips and tricks on eating, sleeping, playing, etc. Over and over again they all talked about starting a bedtime routine as soon as possible. I had a hard time believing that my tiny newborn could really start to notice patterns like the newsletters claimed, but I figured we'd give it a shot. It was a change as Marcus and I have never been really routine people. We're both pretty laid back, so we just kind of did whatever we felt like, when we felt like it, but instating this routine has been fun for me.

Everything doesn't happen every night and if we skip or rush one thing or another, Simon usually doesn't seem to mind, but there are a few things that make a HUGE difference on how our night goes--believe me, I've learned the long, hard, restless way...

So here's our general bedtime routine that we've been using pretty much since the beginning, I'd love to hear what works for you and your littles!

1. Bathtime
Those weeks after delivery are rough. Your body has gone through a LOT and you can feel it. In the beginning we were just doing sponge baths on Simon, but I still took a bath myself every night. It was much needed relief to my healing body, but also 15-20 minutes of alone time and I needed that. Now that I'm feeling a lot better and I'm also emotionally a lot more used to motherhood, I LOVE co-bathing with Simon. It's easier and more fun than using a sink tub in my opinion. To ease him into this routine, I would nurse him when we first got in, but now he knows what's going on and loves it. It's so fun to see him kick and splash and smile back at me. I like to think he remembers swimming around in the womb and feels at home in the water.

If you're on the look out for a baby wash, I can not say enough about Tubby Todd--it's seriously the best smelling stuff in the world and free from all those nasty chemicals found in Johnson's and even in Aveeno! Our whole family uses the lotion as well. LOVE Tubby Todd and love supporting a mom run business.

2. Diaper Change by Dad

Marcus and I were raised by parents from a different generation (both our parents are in their 70s). I don't know about Boss Nielson, but I'm pretty sure my dad didn't change a single one of his 8 children's diapers. I was going to make sure Marcus could never come anywhere close to that claim. So right from the beginning I expected that when Marcus was home, he changed the diapers. There has never been any real discussion or argument about this, I would just hand him Simon and tell him he needs a new diaper and Marcus would take care of it. Now I don't have to say anything most of the time, I'm proud of the kind of Dad Marcus has become. Simon is lucky to have him as an example.

3. Parents Get Ready for Bed

While Marcus takes care of lotioning and diapering the babe, I quickly wash my face and brush my teeth, then while I read Simon a story, Marcus has his turn.

4. Bedtime Story

Probably my favorite part of bedtime is story time. I've always been a huge fan of children's books and now I finally have an excuse to buy A LOT of books :) I tend to switch off between my faves and Simon's faves. Iggy Peck, Architect falls in the my favorite column--it's beautiful and clever and I can't wait to buy the sister book, Rosie Revere, Engineer. Simon's favorites are Good Night Moon and The Little Blue Truck (Lucky me, I love that one too :))

5. Playtime & Ergobaby Swaddle with Dad

Marcus usually joins us half way through story time and once we're done, we play with Simon and get him all worn out. He's always full of giggles and we love this time of day with him! Dad's in charge of swaddling because he can get him wrapped up tight :) We love our Ergobaby Swaddler because Simon can't break free like he can when we use blankets. It's also designed so you can do a diaper change without unwrapping the whole thing. There were nights in the beginning that we were too tired and skipped the swaddle and without fail, it always ended up being a terrible night with countless wake-ups. We quickly put two and two together and now we NEVER skip this step. It's actually really funny, whenever someone asks us what our favorite baby item is, Marcus quickly answers, the Ergobaby Swaddler! As you can see, Simon likes it too :)

6. White Noise

This is another part of the magic sleep equation. When we don't have this on, there are definitely more wake-ups. I had a noise-maker in my amazon cart, but then Marcus found that there were tons of options on Spotify! Relaxing Rain is my personal favorite.

7. Nursing to Sleep

Having Simon swaddled up while I nurse him, keeps him so calm. When babies are this young, they don't have much control over their little arms and legs, so being wrapped up make them feel secure. I love nursing Simon; we rarely use bottles because there's pretty much nothing I find cuter than looking down and seeing my shiny little man doze off in satisfaction snuggled up next to me :) I've been really lucky with breastfeeding, I know it's not as dreamy for everyone, but I hope all you mamas out there get to have some fond memories of it at least for a little bit.

And that's it! This is what works for our family. Our nights are not perfect, and some are definitely better than others, but overall, we love our bedtime routine and we love having Simon in bed with us. I know there are differing opinions on that topic, but there is research on both sides and I'm a strong believer in a mother's intuition, so do your research and make the choice that you feel best about. 

You can read more about bed-sharing here  and here if you're interested. Also recently read these and I'm obsessed: one & two

This post was sponsored by Ergobaby, but all opinions are my own. I truly appreciate the support from my sponsors since it allows me to continue creating fun, original content for you to read. Be sure and check them out!