Cold-Hearted Woman


Poppy got her 3rd round of shots today and she's been super snuggly because of it. 
She won't let me put her down at all--and when she's being this sweet, i don't really want to. 
I feel like i've learned so much from this little deer. 
i'm going to admit something that is probably going to sound really coldhearted, but for the past few years of my life i didn't know if i was going love being a mom, or even like it for that matter. and i was more than certain i wasn't going to have that  
 'i can't stand to be away from my child' 'i have to capture every moment' feeling for my babies.
When mothers talked about it, i thought it was great that they felt that way, but i couldn't comprend it happening to me.
here comes another kicker:
i've never been a baby person. 
i grew up with my two best girl friends being obsessed with babies. we would go to the mall in jr. high and high school and they wanted to go into baby gap to look at the tiny clothes.
i, on the other hand, wanted to go to forever21. 
someone close to them would have a baby and all they could think about was meeting it, and holding it and babysitting it.
i was good after one hold. 
being the very youngest of 8 children i grew up with tons of nieces and nephews. i was always the favorite aunt and i loved them. i love toddlers and i get along with older kids easily.
but babies--that's another story. 
all they do is lay there, and cry, and poop, and demand to be held and for what seems like too long in my book, they can't even smile or make eye-contact.
i crave my own time and time with marcus and the thought of having someone who literally needs me every moment, frankly, freaks me out.
But i also didn't want a dog. i had them growing up and they were adorable and sweet and they made me laugh, but i can not say i was a dog person. for along with their cuteness, comes their stink and shed and special ability to go to the bathroom in places they shouldn't--i knew they were a lot of work. 

marcus wanted one so bad and i felt bad, but there was no way i was allowing one in our house--because i knew, like my mom once knew with me, that i would be the one home with it all day, and i would in turn be the one who took care of it.

so, when one spontaneous labor day this year we found ourselves driving out to phoenix to look at puppies, i was surely off my game. and when after only 2 hours of contemplation we came home with a dog in our arms, i must have been slipped a drug...but since that moment, i have been utterly in love with this thing.
after a couple weeks of having her, i told ashley i would like to volunteer with the shine project, i had to leave her for 4 hours and i almost had a panic attack on the drive there.
i thought my heart might actually break.
and i had to set up her own instagram account because i knew if i didn't my entire feed would be taken up by every move she made. each move cuter than the last.
while i still feel i like i'm not ready to take the baby plunge, poppy reh has given me hope that when the time comes, i will become the doting mother i want to be. because even i, the coldhearted one, know that humans are probably even more special than puppies.
(but don't tell poppy i said so)
outfit details:
white v-neck//american apparel
gold necklaces//nordstrom and stella&dot
cain flats//c.o. blowfish shoes
beach wave//tutorial here


Mickelle McCrory said...

haha, i love this bc that's who I was too!! I remember in college I had a roommate who would lose it everytime she saw a baby and honestly they never did anything for me. Didn't hate them, but didn't love them, they were just there. Same thing with animals. But about a year ago we got a puppy after a year or so of convincing from my husband and I am HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE!!! But the funny thing is that I've also changed with babies. Something happened and all of a sudden they are all so cute! So what i'm saying, is that there is hope! and I don't think you're heartless :)

Irene Navajas said...

i feel like you do, i actually want kids but i don't feel ready yet, i'm scared of how i will be as a mother, i think babysitting had an impact on me!

Carley said...

I can totally relate! Especially not being a 'baby person.' I keep
waiting for that to change, and for the moment to arrive when I just
want kids and want them right now...but it hasn't happened and I'm fine
with that. My husband and I have had many conversations about whether we
even want to have children, and I'm okay with that, too. It's a process
and a journey - thank you for sharing a little bit about yours!
Poppy is darling - no wonder you are so smitten with her!

Anna Jones said...

I kind of feel that way, but only sometimes. And it's obvious that you are being slowly won over with the way that you adore Coco + Levi.

Sara said...

Haha I am so glad you are warming up to the idea of babies! And I don't blame you for being completely in love with poppy. Soooo adorable!!!

brett said...

i was the same way. i still am: with OTHER people's babies. when it's yours it's entirely different.

Autumn said...

I have never read a post that more describes how I feel than this. I am not a baby person either, but I love all other humans. I'm just now getting acclimated to toddlers though.

We got a baby cockatiel two months ago and although he isn't as interactive as a dog he has helped me realize that I will enjoy being a Mom when it comes. He is completely dependent on us for his social needs, food, and etc, and even though he makes messes I still absolutely love him more than I thought I could a "silly pet."

Vivian Dunken said...

i think it's so cute how much in love you are with your puppy. and i also love all your puppy instagrams! i have a kitty i love more than i probably should and my husband thinks i'm a little crazy for how many photos of her i post on instagram. haha

Colleen Romriell said...

Totally normal feelings. I think more people say things about their kids like they described are either honest or doing the "fake it till you make it". I was the "fake it till you make it". I was never a baby person either and when I found out I was pregnant after being married 2 months, I almost died inside. When my son was first born it still took me a good 3 months to not necessarily love him but to be ok with being a mom. Now after 5 years I can say that it is the greatest blessing in life. Granted I still don't like other peoples babies and I probably never will, but I love MY babies because they grow up and don't stay needy forever. Is it worth it? Yes. Do I recommend it to just anybody? No. You have to be ready.

aliceknd said...

Real babies are way better, especially your own. :)


Your puppy is super cute!! I can agree with you about not being overly obsessed with babies. I do like them and they can be cute, but I'm in no rush to have my own. However, I'm kind of the opposite. I prefer babies over toddlers. I don't like them when they start talking and walking. Haha, I like them laying still so I don't have to do much with them.

BTW, I'm hosting a lip balm swap, please check it out.

kayde said...

I am so happy you posted this! I have the same cold hearted baby issue. I am just hoping one day it hits and I will just want to be a mom and love my pooping crying baby through it all. For now though I will stick with our pup and hope that helps. love the post!

Nikaela said...

I cried reading this because it was like a letter to myself from 7 years ago. I am pregnant with my fourth and had completely forgotten that I used to feel this way! Reading this and remembering these emotions made me realize that at some point between that first positive pregnancy test and today, God gave me a new heart.

Noni said...

You are amazing at expressing your honest feelings. I am the mother of five sons. Our baby is now 17 and plans to leave in one year. I am enjoying every moment with him and feeling sorrow for the time he will be gone! It is truly a miracle the mother love that washes over one as they became a Mom. It truly is a flood of unconditional love and complete commitment to their welfare. I thought I knew what love was in my feelings for my husband, but the mother love feelings are a thousand times more powerful and oh so wonderful. They are God's gift to us!

Taylor Jane said...

that coat matches your eyes

Emily Lunt said...

I could have written most of this word for word! Sub out puppy for cats and you have me. I even got my second cat on labor day!! I have never been "baby crazy" like the majority of my friends, and I was starting to get worried that the feelings may never come. But now that I find myself doting on my cats and the way my heart has expanded so much larger because of them, I am constantly reminded of how much of a good things kids will be (through the good and the bad)!

© i believe in unicorns. Maira Gall.