claus·tro·pho·bi·a/ˌklôstrəˈfōbēə/ is an extreme or irrational fear of confinement or enclosed spaces and is usually brought on by a traumatic experience in childhood, such as being separated from one's parents in a crowd or being enclosed in a dark box or room. It is classified as an anxiety disorder as it manifests itself via panic attacks, difficulty breathing, increased heart rate and the removal of clothing.
What is strange to me, is that I cannot think of a traumatic experience in my childhood that would justify my new found anxiety, nor do my symptoms fit exactly into this description, but the word claustrophobia is the only thing I can come up with to describe what I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks.
In tango, people are ‘invading my space.’ Which, in tango, there really is no such thing as ‘my space’, nor have I ever had a problem with close proximity to perfectly nice people in the past. My shoes are consuming my feet. I end up barefoot at all my destination. I feel anxious and on edge when I’m at the house for more than an hour or two and my rings are choking each finger, and even without them there, I still feel confined. My heart literal beats faster just thinking about having a ring or shoes on right now.
Here’s the only conclusion I can think of: I am in desperate need of my own space and my body is manifesting that in a very strange (and annoying) way.
My parents were good enough to let us bunk at their house while they were away, and I had such a blast with my sister and niece there, but it was still living out of boxes, sharing closets with my parents ‘left-behind’ clothes. Once my parents came home, Marcus’ parents have been SO generous to let us stay with them, they share their food and invite us out to dinner, and I’m incredibly grateful for that, but still, its not ours, and half of our stuff is still in boxes in storage; and I am still in somebody else’s house, in somebody else’s kitchen and in somebody else’s bed. (Luckily it’s that of my sweet in laws and not one of the Three Bears, but I just can’t wait much longer to have a place that is our own.)
A home just for Marcus and Ashley, to walk around naked in if we fancy, to make waffles at 3 in the morning. To throw impromptu personal dance parties with the music blaring in the middle of the day in, and to decorate to our very own liking.
It seems that this lack of a place to call ‘our home’ and this shared space is having a physical effect on me--cue the strange case of claustrophobia, and I think we’ve come up with just the cure…
We’re buying a condo!
We got a really amazing deal and if all goes according to plan, it will close by the 30th of this month. I could not be more excited and while it is definitely going to be a PROJECT, I can’t wait to get my hands dirty and fix it right up! Hopefully projects will go well and I can have some DIY features here on the blog in the next months. Anyways, I just wanted to share that exciting news with you, my internet friends, thanks for reading.