1.29.2011

It All Would Have Been Really Embarrassing, Had I Not Been Facing Death Itself.

After a stern and lengthy consultation with my ovaries, the following rules were laid out--
They are no longer allowed to:
1. Cause me to overheat, sweat profusely, and see black spots while in the girls locker room stall. 
2. Then as I’m scurrying to find some place private to suffer, make me collapse in a school corridor just as I'm calling Marcus to inform of my whereabouts.
3. Have the nerve to insist that I use the tiny black bag that once contained my, fresh from the bookstore, thank you Marcus, you good husband, you, box of Midol, to throw up in--so it once again contains my Midol tablets…now, regurgitated.
4. Cause my arms and legs to feel like thousands of pins and needled are being jabbed into them, only to then go completely numb and freezing.
5. Make my whole body shake and convulse as I uncontrollably punch Marcus in the leg.
6. Cause me cry and moan uninhibitedly into Marcus’ lap, while sprawled out on the gym floor as at least 20 strangers pass by me.
7. Invite 47 anciently trained, mini-Ninjas to assemble inside my abdominal region and do 537 round house kicks to my lower back.

Oh yes, the punishment shall be great should they decide to disobey...I tell you, they will rue the day!

Then the meds kicked in, and it was like it never happened...
Does this ad kill you?
hahah!

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27 comments

Jenni Austria Germany said...

this is wretched. but husband of the year? i think yes.

Brandilyn said...

you tell 'em, miss ashley! gah, i'm so sorry you feel so yucky. if it helps...i truly do feel your pain. let me know if you need anything, ok??! i'm good for dinner or hugs or whatever you need.

anna p of just me. said...

oh dear. i feel for you.
i've been dealing with it since i was 12 years old and it NEVER gets easier!
i'm sorry!!!

kudos to marcus for being there for you. and i love that takin midol makes it like it never happened! my go to is aleve. LIFE SAVER!!!

great ad. haha. its kind of... um... sexist a little? i love it. haha.

Leisel said...

I just laughed heartily at number 7. But for reals though. Also, thank you so much for my delightfully recieved package in the mail! It was a pure delight!

Amanda said...

I can totally relate. I seriously think if guys had to go through that, they totally couldn't handle it, they would literally think they were dying. Sometimes in efforts to preempt the excruciating pain that I know is coming, I will randomly wake up at 5 or 6 a.m. and go upstairs to take advil or midol in a half-awake stupor --the sad thing is, I usually do that on the wrong day. But go to somewhere that sells supplements and look for Vitex, seriously Vitex has made my ovaries be much, much nicer to me. it's an herbal supplement my doctor had me take, it's awesome.

Sara K.S. Hanks said...

Those ads are retro-tastic. Vintage advertising is somehow so funny and so infuriating, all at once.

Sorry you had the worst cramps ever, but hey, CONGRATULATIONS on having the most entertaining menstruation-related list that I've ever read.

Lindsey N. said...

Aw, you poor thing! But your husband sounds like a doll. Oh, that ad!

Lindsey Soup

Cannon's said...

I have always had the same symptoms. I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and after surgery was completely symptom free for 10 years. May be something to talk to your dr. about.

Good news is that pregnancy can eliminate symptoms after delivery (which I found to be true) So get crackin'. ;)

elise said...

I absolutely could not have said it any better. Blasted ovaries.

Blah Blah Becky said...

This reads as being really funny but it sounds awful!

Hope you're feeling ok.

www.blahblahbecky.co.uk

Rachel said...

Yeah that sounds really traumatic, I'm glad Midol (and your husband) saved the day eventually. Also, that is the funniest ad I have ever seen. I need to show it to my fiance!

Ari- Audrey Onassis said...

You poor girl. That sounds terrible. Like that ad.

ashlee bracken. said...

i was cringing when reading that story. well done.
and that ad? oh my goodness! hilarious!

Irene said...

in these cases, IBUPROFENE is my friend. i call it IBU, we're that close! :P

Aiketa said...

I've been lucky these past months but I have experienced the same as you lots of time... Now though at the slightest pain, I take my medicine so to prevent the unbearable pain.

Kell said...

I'm having a conversation with my ovaries tonight. Midol is a girl's real best friend.. I'm convinced of it.

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

I have been dealing with this type of monthly friend for since I was 13.... baaah.

Becky said...

Yup. It sucks.
Wretched, wretched, wretched.
But if you ever decided to deliver your very own child a-natural, you will know that awful cramps make delivering a baby seem much sweeter.

(I've used prescription strength muscle relaxants in the past--very helpful, too).

p.s. I like that Midol Man's hair.

Kailey said...

I can totally relate! I get horrible cramps every month, to the point that I have thrown up as well. Sucks to be a woman sometimes!

And those ads....hilarious! Hard to believe people were actually using those as advertising!

Alexis Kaye said...

Totally stole this pic for my blog today! hope you don't mind ;) it's just too funny not to share!

Savannah said...

Oh my gosh that ad is the funniest thing I've ever seen it's so priceless!

ashley in wonderland said...

thanks you everyone for your kind words and suggestions! and i'm glad you all enjoyed those vintage ads!

ashley in wonderland said...

thanks you everyone for your kind words and suggestions! and i'm glad you all enjoyed those vintage ads!

Leisel said...

I just laughed heartily at number 7. But for reals though. Also, thank you so much for my delightfully recieved package in the mail! It was a pure delight!

Alexis Kaye said...

Totally stole this pic for my blog today! hope you don't mind ;) it's just too funny not to share!

ashlee bracken. said...

i was cringing when reading that story. well done.
and that ad? oh my goodness! hilarious!

elise said...

I absolutely could not have said it any better. Blasted ovaries.