For the Record.


(I am aware that most of you have already read this story via BBL, but seeing as the reason I started this blog was to keep a record of my life, I decided I needed my story in my own journal.)

I have this theory and I believe it is the reason for my abounding good luck. I am convinced that thoughts are much more tangible than most people think. I’m not implying that they can actually be touched, but that they have an existence outside of the thinker’s mind.

I believe if you think about something enough, with enough passion and faith those dreams go out into the Universe and sort of float around until they find the right person, in the right situation to facilitate the dream. This theory has been proven time and time again in my own life. And I believe that subscribing to this theory plays a huge part in it accuracy. I once referred to myself as the Queen of Coincidence, although, I don’t think it’s coincidence at all, but perhaps God keeping me entertained.

In 2004 The Notebook came out. I was a sophomore in high school and while most women were acclaiming its debut, that movie simply made me depressed. For two weeks, anytime I thought about it I would start crying. I realize that this seems bizarre, but for me, it was too darling. I looked around and did not see any boys who could provide such classic romance. Mostly, I did not see any boys who would ask me to dance in the middle of a quiet street. That was really my main concern. I needed someone to dance with me in an obscure place, under unlikely circumstances. I thought about that need for a long time. I cherished the thought, and then I let the thought go--Up and away, into the Universe.
Time went on and I stopped crying about The Notebook. I made some charming guy friends who restored my hope in classic romance. I dated some fantastic boys who took me on fantastic dates. They even danced a bit, but the dancing seemed always to take place in the socially accepted locations. So, I lived a charming life, always with something to be desired.

I knew my idea was out there, but it hadn’t found the right person to land on just yet.

One day I met a certain Marcus Nielson. I was cautious, like I always have been. Sure he was handsome, certainly he was suave, of course he came from a wonderful family—and while these things were nice, I had seen it all before; I was looking for something extra.

One evening after stopping in at MOJO on Mill we decided to stroll Tempe Town Lake. We made our way to the art center located at the very west of the park. In front of that edifice is a shallow decorative pool. My feet felt a little grimy from walking around, so I told Marcus that we should put our feet in. He was a little surprised by the idea, after all this water feature was definitely not for wading, but I can be pretty convincing and not a minute later, our shoes were off, our pants rolled up, and our feet submerged. 
In embrace we stood in the pool. The night was quiet and the stars made the water twinkle. 
Ever so subtly I felt him swaying. I held still to make certain I was not directing this occurrence. Yes, yes, it was him. Slowly, the swaying got more pronounced, until there was no denying the dancing motion. Then came the music, not from any outdoor speakers, but from the lips of he who swayed. Marcus was humming, a slow tune, as we danced close in the water.
And there it was. My dream finally found its landing spot. While we hardly knew each other, I had a feeling this was more than a coincidence…
The next few months were a whirl of movies, Coldplay, dancing, symphonies, sushi, ABBA, fairs, pumpkins, black tie events, photos, costumes, dreamcatchers, kisses, forts, and conversation.
Now there was only one problem. Marcus was only here for the semester before he headed back to BYU Idaho. Even with our whirlwind romance, he was still leaving and I still did not know what that meant. Regardless of the future I was grateful for the experience, but my heart still craved answers. I thought I might be falling in love, but did not know if he shared the idea. Unrequited love was indeed a scary thought, one I had never encountered, but I decided to keep my thoughts inside. After all, I did not even know how to formulate those words naturally in my mouth.

One evening we sat close on the couch in the parlor and read to each other about dinosaur love, narwhals, marines, nursery rhythms, and Germany. And then we got closer, but did not kiss, nor talk much. We mostly just looked. A lot of looking. A lot of thinking. I was not at all aware of what his mind was brewing, but mine was cooking with thoughts of Idaho visits...would they be welcome? uncomfortable? nonexistent? Through the silence he spoke, "My heart is pounding so hard!" His breathing was rapid and loud. He was holding tight. The thought of Love darted across my mind and was quickly gone. Marcus would never be decisive enough to declare such a statement here and now, without my assurance. But there was something clear about it. For the first time in my life I wanted to hear those words. It was something that I did not dread, but actually desired. 
Then he spoke, "I… love you. There I said it." 
My eyes shot open like the idea of its' actuality had never crossed my mind. 
"You do?! Are you sure?" I quickly retorted.
"Yes, I think so." 
"Well, good...because I think I do too." 
"I don't know why that's so hard for me to say, but I've never said that to anyone before. I hadn't thought about it until right now, and then it just felt like it, so I had to say it." 
I laughed and commended his bravery. This act of spontaneity was not in his nature and truly shocked me. 

I fell asleep that night slightly nervous. Thoughts were suffocating my breathing space: What did this mean about us in the future? What if when he really analyzed what he had just proclaimed, he regretted his dauntlessness? Or what if I regretted my confession? How did I know I loved him anyway?
But then something happened that at least soothed one of my worrisome thoughts. I woke abruptly at 5AM. I wanted him near me. Now. I was anxious for his proximity. My legs wiggled and my shoulders jumped. I could not stop smiling in nervous excitement. Sleep eluded me. I wanted to tell him that I DID love him! I knew it now. The entire day was spent in trying to keep that all-telling grin off my face. My cheeks literally ached.

When I finally saw him that evening, I felt like I had been missing one of lungs and it was found. Complete. I loved my place in his arms...and I love that all my dreams now have a landing spot.


nicole said...

WAIT! i want to read more! what happened to udaho? how much later did you get married? was he sure that night too!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post& amazing blog.!
It's such a great inspiration everytime I read it :) and you seem to be a very interesting person aswell!!
How old have you been when all this happened?
greetings from Austria, Stefanie.

Keri said...

Love it. Love it. Love it.

ash said...

Nicole, give me some time, I'm sure there will be a sequel in the future :)
Stefanie, I'm so glad you like the post. I was almost 21 when this all went down...i know young, right? My husband, Marcus, thinks it's so cool that you're from Austria. He lived there and Germany for two years and adores the place. I'm sure we'll be visiting there at some point. Can't wait.

Anonymous said...

well you're quite lucky, that you've already experienced real love at such a young age! :)

and how cool is, that your husband lived over here for two years!? :)
tell him "Liebe Grüße aus Oberösterreich ;) "
(do you know in which part of Austria he was?)

anyway, I hope you are feeling better soon!!

ash said...

I love that he just read that to me!
He lived in Graz, Vienna, Salzburg. What part are you from? And thank you for the kind wishes :)

Anonymous said...

well I live in Upper Austria, which is not an exciting part of Austria at all, but still it's located central and not far from Salzburg :)
(well actually nothing is far in Austria, since it's such a tiny country :D )
anyway ;)

Karina said...

This is such a heartfelt and touching story, and I thank you for inspiring me into writing some more! I'm beginning five letters this beautiful afternoon, as I'm brewing some more tea and making some waffles for my dad and little brother, and then I'll blog some to help my thoughts unwind. I hope you're having a wonderful Saturday, and I hereby send you a jar of laughter, a jar of inspiration and a jar of... Magic. (:

Karina said...

This is such a heartfelt and touching story, and I thank you for inspiring me into writing some more! I'm beginning five letters this beautiful afternoon, as I'm brewing some more tea and making some waffles for my dad and little brother, and then I'll blog some to help my thoughts unwind. I hope you're having a wonderful Saturday, and I hereby send you a jar of laughter, a jar of inspiration and a jar of... Magic. (:

© i believe in unicorns. Maira Gall.