“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
-Albert Camus
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It had been one of those years. I smiled because I knew I was supposed to. I laughed because it was easier than explaining why I wasn’t amused. As many rainbows as I tried to portray, heavy clouds loomed over my shoulders, and as much as I tried to fool with a happy front, I wasn’t foolish enough to think that I was really fooling anyone.
My mind raced with questions,
“Where was everything I knew? Why didn’t he love me like I needed him to? Where were my childhood friends? Where had my big brother gone? Why couldn’t I just move on? Was I making this all a lot harder than I needed to? Why hadn’t spring’s renewal come this year?”
On any given summer day in Arizona with the sun beaming down on everyone around me, darkness reigned my thoughts.
Growing up was a dream. My parents loved me, and each other. My family bunch got along better than the Brady’s. I remembered no turmoil. No conflict. No storm clouds.
Unknowingly, I was the luckiest girl in the world.
Then, the first snow fell. My closest sister showed up at my house one day. She had been married, seven years, to a man I never trusted. He had been lying to her for the last two. Drugs. Debt. Jobless. She was done, and she and her new baby girl, were moving back in.
Betrayed.
I was in love. He wanted to marry me. I couldn’t say yes and I wasn’t exactly sure why. Months, and then a year went by and I still had no answer for his broken heart. I was a happy girl who had dreamed of love and marriage since I could first play pretend. He was tall, blonde, and dreamy. He expanded my mind and cleared my horizons. Even his mother adored me. And still, no peace.
On the freeway home from his house there was a steep drop-off just before the Mesa Drive Exit, it looked like a pleasant escape and it made me glad my logic was still stronger than my emotions. Hours went without blinking. I wandered, aimlessly, from place to place. I forgot how to smile. This was not the Love I longed for. I wanted my heart back, but his pull was like the moon’s on pacific waves.
Lost.
Just as my faith in love was waning, my sweetest brother--the one who knew all the answers, the marriage counselor no less, seemed to lose his mind. He had an affair with his schizophrenic client. Leaving his wife of 18 years and 6 children for a 50-something crazy woman with the most inauspicious of names. Oh, that name made me shutter.
My mother could not handle his upheaval. She had given way to anxiety attacks and insomniatic episodes.
My mother, the strongest woman I had ever known, was constantly crying. Her children were her proudest accomplishment. They didn’t do things like this. They were taught better than this. They knew better than this. Things like this did not happen in her family--and certainly not to this son.
Broken.
My best friend had been there at my side for 11 years, and I needed her now. But in a year like this, I shouldn’t have been surprised when she decided she wasn’t going to talk to me anymore. She was tired of being a trusty sidekick--through with comparisons, and over trying to be someone she wasn’t.
Our lives had changed since elementary school and she was going a different direction than me now, was her reasoning. She hadn’t said this to my face. Instead, I had to hear it, bits and pieces, through our mutual friend. I tried to get in touch with her, but it was all in vain. She would not have it.
Disowned.
So, the year had come to a close. My sister was living a life of babysitters and blind-dates. A life she never could have imagined. My heart felt torn and tied to someone I could never be happy with, and while we kept our distance, my arms still ached in anticipation for him. My brother, perhaps now acquainted with drugs, was off in Alaska laying naked by streams and accusing the family of being unwelcoming to his “sweet and precious E**.” The dignified mother who raised me hadn’t been seen for months--just a fragile shell stood in her place. And my best friend’s cell phone seemed to have no reception…ever. All in all, it was a year I could have lived without. For I was accustomed to justice, and that seemed all but present as of late.
I decided something had to change. It was exhausting being so depressed. People began to comment on my clouds; I needed my rainbows back. I started attending yoga at my neighborhood YMCA. For one hour a day, I had nothing on my mind. It was lovely. A beam was let back into my life.
Next, I started waking up with my sweet niece. A dance in the kitchen with a two-year old, while the whole wheat waffles cooked in their maker adds a beam or two to the day.
A weekly bike ride on my 1965 tangerine beach-cruiser puts the sparkle back in my eye, and maybe in my mom’s too; she seemed to be resurfacing, she even laughed sometimes.
Tapping into my photography skills adds a glimmer of hope to the love department, as I captured the bliss of engaged lovers’ fresh excitement.
A paint brush and a blank canvas kept my mind busy and my dad proud.
I prayed for strength and distraction, and I became strong and diligent in my cause.
Hope.
I stood taller. Spring rains were like a baptism on my year. I met someone who illuminated my soul and through him, I learned to let go of the past pain of heartbreak. Muscles that had lain dormant for too long, now ached in my cheeks for delight.
Love.
My best friend opened her heart and agreed to talk things over. We cried and laughed then cried some more, but in the end we forgave and promised to learn from past mistakes. We had lost precious time in our friendship, but during our two year hiatus we had time to ponder on how we could each maintain harmony within the relationship. It was necessary and I felt relief to have the chance to mend broken ties.
The glorious season of spring is marked by the earth’s axis tilting further toward the sun. It results in the melting of winter snow, the arrival of new plants and flowers, and longer days in preparation for sweet summer. It occurs once a year for approximately a quarter of the year. I had defied the odds and experienced an entire year of lonely winter. It was a personal experience. Others around me basked in the beauty of newness, while I silently waded in obscurity.
I eventually chose to tilt my axis toward the Sun. My snow melted, slowly, but surely. My flowers sprung from the thawing ground, and my days radiated goodness. A season of spring prepared me for a long summer. A summer I needed more than I had ever needed before. When I saw the Sun beaming bright and orange through the foliage of green trees I cried for joy. I had missed Him, and welcomed Him back into my life with open eyes.
Winters will undoubtedly come again. That’s life. But now I have the wisdom of experience to get through its bitterness. The winter made me stronger, the spring gave me chance for renewal, but I am glad for the summer vacation.
52 comments
Beautiful story! I'm so sorry for the pain that you had to endure, but the way you rose out of it is wonderful. You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage to regain your identity and your life!
Wow this post was so sweet and personal. I'm really glad you got your sunshine back and that you made it through all that stronger. :)
I was a little worried, reading this, but I knew there would be a happy ending. Can't have good without bad. Happy Easter!
This was absolutely beautiful. Thank you.
Wow, it's weird yet comforting to know someone is going through the same things as me. Maybe not the exact situations, but somewhat, you know? I thank our Heavenly Father every day for His light and the feeling of hope. Thank you for this post and I'm so glad you got your rainbows and sunshine back :)
Thank you for sharing this. I feel like I've had the clouds over me for a while now and can totally relate to your experience. I've grown apart from all of my closest friends, family has been always there physically but hard times always a consistent presence, hope lost on many dreams.. list can go on, but people like you brighten my day and remind me that the weather will change.
Beautiful. And that's all I have to say.
I really loved this, thank you. These are the types of things I love in a blog- real life, real problems, and real people trying to overcome them. And learning to love the great things about life.
Wow. I can relate to this so much. Not in specific trials or experiences, but in the feelings and emotions. Thank you for this. It is so beautiful and well written. It's also just what I needed to hear as I am trying (have been trying) to get out of the Winter of my life. :)
wow. it sounds like you've been through some incredibly tough times. i'm glad you are beginning to feel better and experience Spring in your life again. it can be hard to over come such difficult trials, but i usually find i'm better for it in the end. hang in there ashley!
You are such a great example in seeing the Sun after winter! :) I am so grateful to read this because it gives me hope and reminds me of the love of our Heavenly Father. Thank you! This is beautiful, graceful, and eloquent writing!!! Girl, you good. You should submit your writing to someone or something ;)
Wow, wow. I loved this so much. Such beautiful writing. I wish I could know you in person! You are so lovely!
hello, beautiful writing! thanks for sharing these stories. so happy you found the sun and rainbows again. i think sometimes that's what life is really about - finding the happiness and beauty, even through trials. you are a great example!
i think this is your best post ever. thanks for opening your heart in such beatiful words. i totally understand the winter in your life and how desperately you want some spring back... i've been in a winter for a while now, i thought spring was here but it's raining a lot and need to fight on.
cheers =)
This was truly beautful. It sounded like a page out of something I could have (and often did) write. I appreciated reading this this morning.
i'm glad you were able to get so personal. while my experiences are different from your's, at times, i have felt the same. i think you're right though, your beautifully written and honest post gives you a record of something to learn from.
wasn't it all so much easier when we were obvious kids?
I am happy that your Spring came back to your life! And sure, the tough moments in our lives, helps us be more prepared for future difficult moments.
You're a beautiful person, Ashley. you really are. I can not tell you how grateful I am for you and what you write.
I didn't know you at all in high school. you were just the beautiful, talented girl that everyone knew but me. But you were still sweet.
Thank you for writing.
This is amazing. I've been feeling like a cloud has been following me around everywhere I go and i felt doomed that it would never get any better. This has inspired me to do something about it instead of moping around. I'm glad you everything is taking a great turn in your life!
What a beautiful post. I loved it's honesty. Different circumstances but I feel I am in my summer right now too. It had been a long winter. Life isn't perfect still, mine is almost there right now. And I am oh so happy with that. Thank you for this post.
You are a great writer Ashley. I love you!
-Alice
Wow, this is totally why I blog. Thank you for posting this. I love knowing the depth beyond people. Love the honesty... I hope your family is doing better now, hopefully they will emerge from this stronger and better.
This is so amazing. You write so beautifully and your story is inspiring. I wonder if everybody must go through a winter like this, in one way or another? It definitely helps you appreciate things.
Beautifully written!
I always have to remind myself that everyone has their own personal heartaches so that I know I am not alone out here in the world. But sometimes when you hear what others' pains actually are it helps even more. Thank you for sharing something so personal. Sometimes I wish that I could stand on my soapbox and scream all the challenges that are going on in my life, both past and present, but I just can't. What an admirable strength you have.
Sending good vibes your way!
This made me cry a bit--sad tears and happy tears as I relived these memories with you. We ached with you that winter . . .and are so, so happy that summer is back! :)
Absolutely stunning! Thank you for writing this.
Beautiful. Feeling rather tearful.
C x
http://memiorsofalittlethingcalledlife.blogspot.com
Beautiful, thank you for sharing!
oh my goodness. i had no idea. i loved reading this (not that it was "fun" to read, but you know what i mean). and the quote you chose fits perfectly. very well done.
This brought tears to my eyes - such a powerful read. Thank you for sharing.
beautifully written. it's always nice to hear that other people have had their own problems and have been able to get through them. thanks.
xox shea
http://speakingfromthesole.blogspot.com
I seriously needed to hear this today. You have no idea how much I relate to this. I am still in the midst of my winter, but this gives me a glimmer of hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!
WOW. wow. wow. wow. You are an amazing writer. Your words touched me. Thank you for sharing
That was incredible. Thank you for sharing! Very glad that your winter ended and that you found summer. :)
I just finished praying for some sort of comfort after hearing some family news that was not really what I ever wanted to hear. I of course then came to read your new posts and read this one and I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate this. It helped me to see that it isn't the end of the world and that I really don't have it that bad. He really does answer prayers and this time it was through you. Thank you so so much.
I love your more personal posts. Aren't you glad that there are springs in life? I know I am! And being in love is such a marvelous spring!
Ashley this was beautiful and so moving! You are such a good writer! Thank you for this! I need my springtime to come soon:) I love your blog, THANK YOU for writing your personal stories...they help us all out in our lives!
You are a great writer. I like that you have started to write more on your blog. You are an interesting person, and very inspirational. I think you are awesome!
Wow. Loved this post.
I was reminded of this quote when I read your post: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”-- Ralph Waldo Emerson.
You have such amazing strength and courage, sometimes these crazy heart wrenching experiences can help remind us of who we really are if we endure them well, but in the midst of the darkness we wonder if our Father in Heaven really knows what he is doing?? At the end of our trial, when the darkness is being lifted... we can begin to see something more beautiful than it once was, more courageous, more faithful, more loving towards others. Thank you for sharing your battle wounds and helping to uplift us with your words of hope and love. You have a serious gift for writing, and I hope someday you publish a book;) My prayers are with you and your family....sending hugs from Cali ;)
http://www.fernanddandy.blogspot.com
that was simply beautiful.
This. This. is just beautiful.
I've struggled with depression for years. Today, it was edging back in.
Thanks for reminding me how to get my happy back.
You're an inspiration.
Thank you so much for sharing... I would think it would be difficult and feel very vulnerable to share these feelings on-line with people you don't know. But I think that most of us have had experiences like these but still want to be happy and make the best out of life and it is helpful to hear how others have dealt with such situations. So thanks :)
um, i kinda like this post. it's nice to see who you are and who you've become. i can relate on many levels to this so i'm glad you shared. thanks.
I just started reading your blog and am in love with it! I have gone all the way back to this post and will continue to go back. It's like buying a tv series and watching it all at once. The writing in this post particularly touched my soul. Thank you for your honesty. Namaste
great writing,. It is nice to hear more about you!
--heather anderson
@ latterdaystyleblog.blogspot.com
I LOVE this post! You are an incredible writer, and I like hearing more about your life. Thank you for sharing it again :)
wow this is so powerful! It is our hard years that make us who we are today. It gives us empathy. I struggled with depression for two years and it was the darkest of times, but I am grateful I had those trials because now I am so much stronger. I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I still want to say a deep sincere thank you for sharing.
I feel like this is aaalmost my exact life right now. It gives me so much hope for my future. Thank you. :)
I seriously needed to hear this today. You have no idea how much I relate to this. I am still in the midst of my winter, but this gives me a glimmer of hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing!
Oh wow, you truly are a beautiful writer. I hardly ever read blogs these days because it's hard to compare your life to someone's who seems to all be perfect...and for some reason I decided to read yours. It was this post that was the reason. Thank you for sharing-we all have our Winter days...or even years. Just know that you gave me a little beam of light in the midst of mine a few years back. Thank you for that and thank you for sharing. Through faith we can make it through these harder days.
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